Must be the full moon

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by Jackals

There’s this radiating pain in my body. It could be sprouting from my abdomen, or my lower back; it’s all a blur of discomfort and I can’t tell where it’s coming from. But it’s been like this for three days, and at this point I know that something it horribly wrong with me.

Part of me wants to believe this is something more than human. The part of me that always wants to see something surreal, that needs to know there’s more to this life than what it sees. Then there’s the part of me that’s terrified that this may be something completely mortal, in every sense of the term. That part of me is scared that something is wrong and that something will put me in a coffin. It’s the dramatic side of me.

And then there’s the tiny, microscopic part of me that says, “This is what depression really does, honey. Deal with it.” And when I think about that it’s like the fear of God has stricken me and I don’t know what to think. Because then I think, oh god, is this really all in my head? In those moments nothing makes sense. Not why I’m here, not who I am or where I am and I feel so incredibly lost it’s painful. My head aches and my entire chest aches and I can’t tell where the pain’s coming from.

I called in sick from work this morning a little after 7AM. I was only scheduled to work three hours after that, but I figured a head start wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t want to put anyone in trouble, so…
And I feel so bad for doing that. But I needed this day off. But did I?

I don’t know anymore.
It hurts, and I just want it to stop. But I don’t know what do to.

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Remember to adjust your clocks

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2011 by Jackals

I literally cannot tell the difference between one day and the next. And now that we’re shoving time forward–or backwards? I never remember–and that I’ll have an extra hour tonight or tomorrow morning, whichever, it’s going to screw me over even more. I can’t even tell the difference between the 8333 words I’m supposed to write for today and the 10k I need for tomorrow.

…well, okay, to be fair, I already have 10k, and I’m probably going to write more as the night progresses or. Woah, maybe not. I had no idea what time it was. I didn’t think it was this late.

You know what, today was a shit day at work, and I need to sleep. Maybe I’ll just go to bed.

(Ever had that feeling you just signed your soul to the devil because you’re too damn freakin’ good for your own good? I had it today.)

Also, only reason I got so ahead on the word count was because… well, okay. See, NaNo has these epic writer people come in to write up pep talks for us to motivate us, right? ANd, well, they got Erin Morgenstern. And it was a brilliant move. She participated in NNWM for four years in a row before seriously working on the Night CIrcus. (Which I understand to be a big fat mashup of several plots she’s had over the years. ANd ninjas.) And… well, I figured, if she could do it, why can’t I?

I mean, no one said the end result had to be polished and clean and nice and presentable. Just moderately coherent. Which is what I’ll try to do. I think I’m going to give up this past tense stuff and try the present tense, and just figure out where to cut off once I’m done my fifty kay. Sounds like a plan! To me, anyways.

Good luck to all you WriMos out there. My heart goes out to your hands and brains. ♥

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We know how this ends.

Posted in Journal with tags , , , on November 2, 2011 by Jackals

I purchased a book called Fateful a few weeks ago. Much like it was the case with Dark Souls, I book Fateful mostly to humour myself. Hint: it has attractive men who turn into big hulking canines. And everyone who knows me knows I have a giant soft spot for werewolves. (Actually, that’s inaccurate; the entirety of me is a soft spot for werewolves.)

But then I started reading and the author’s style is very… clean and. Well, it’s stunningly cohesive. Then again, we are following a 17 or 18 year old lady’s maid from 1912, so I shouldn’t be so terribly surprised but I am. I think Need has profoundly psychologically damaged me in a way that makes me expect the worse out of every book I pick up.

God dammit.

Oh, and because I found it funny: Tess is boarding a liner from England. Guess what it’s name is. I’ll give you a hint: it is the single most memorable boat to have ever hit a block of ice.

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It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

Posted in Journal on October 31, 2011 by Jackals

There are two new pages up in the Books section, if any of you are interested. They are for Dark Souls and The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Paula Morris and Stephen Chbosky, respectively.

Life is strange and evolving at the moment. I’m sitting at the Second Cup in front of Dawson, alone. Robert was here with me up until half an hour ago and—wow, they’re actually playing Imogen Heap on the café radio.

Everyone else’s life seem to be going on flawlessly. I still have the terrifying thought of “I don’t want to become my mother”, because I want my life to be bigger and more than just a mother and a wife and a colleague. I want to be everything. I’m trying to get my priorities straight. I’m not succeeding so far but…

In November—in two weeks, actually—I’m going to ask the doctor if she can refer me to a psychiatrist, or at least a psychologist. I don’t care what I have to pay; I don’t want to go on medications to solve whatever problem’s in my brain. Most of it stems from issues dating back several years. I need to find out how to get closure on all of that before I resort to chemicals.

By the way, happy Halloween y’all. : )

♥

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Joke’s on You

Posted in Journal with tags , on October 22, 2011 by Jackals

Several weeks ago—maybe months, now—I bought a book, Dark Souls. Now, this may sound cruel, but I’d bought the book as some sort of joke. The summary made it sound like some kind of teen trash novel; better than Twilight but certainly no Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. You can see, that doesn’t say much about it. But then I started reading it, and reading more, and more, and not putting the book down.

And, you know, Dark Souls isn’t—wasn’t—so bad at all. The characters could have been a little more developed, but the story itself, how every single chapter builds suspense up until the very last chapter? Genius.

I’ll take the time to properly review this later tonight or tomorrow. For now, I have to get ready to go to work.

(on a different note, mother finally got me a doctor’s appointment. have i already said that? a lot of people are telling me to talk about depression and anxiety. i’m thinking i should, though i don’t have the slightest idea how to bring it up. we’ll see, i suppose. )

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